What is the most effective difference between me and my Grandees?
They know that they are precious just because they are. I know I am precious only if I work hard enough to deserve it (and only death will decide). And the generation in between? They have the push-me-pull-you experience of the collision and the hard- earned resolution of two opposing ways of being in the world. What that means I have explored fairly thoroughly in my articles on The Bridge Generation.
I have introduced this topic personally but I am really talking about the generations, the older, bridge generation and the new, chosen generation. I want to explore what difference it makes to be chosen. It is a question of choice.
These days people don’t have children simply because that is what happens often when two people of opposite genders sleep together. Children are generally, at least in our society, planned for, therefore desired, their beingness is celebrated even in utero and their entry into the world is the fulfilment of the anticipated joy. When the pregnancy is brought about by needful medical intervention it seems almost miraculous and the child even more precious. In a very real sense babies are chosen, even their sex is known in advance so they are prepared for quite explicitly.
This is so different from how it used to be. The arrival of a child was by God’s will (even when it was the result of rape) the mother had very little say in it. That’s not going back to before the time when people understood the biological process but just to those not so far off days before ‘the Pill’ or other efficient means of contraception were invented. And it was some time before the general belief that such things were wicked died a natural death, except in some strict religious circles where the use of contraception is still officially sinful. It is odd that contraception was considered to be wicked especially for the poor and working class, the upper classes were allowed much more leniency.
When parents had, or believed they had, no control over pro-creation, other than celibacy, another pregnancy would not always be greeted with delight. For the woman the exigencies of pregnancy, without many of the modern benefits, were often hard to bear and the delivery could be a nightmare. If there was financial hardship, one more mouth to feed meant the birth was looked forward to with anything but joy. Throw in the belief that it was God’s will that each child should be born, (even if it meant the death of the mother) and the odds against joy were very high, the delight lowering with every succeeding birth. Another daughter was an even greater cross to bear, at least a son could grow and contribute to the family finances.
Imagine the guilt that there must have been around; guilt for not rejoicing in a new birth; guilt for being relieved at a miscarriage; guilt for indulging in intercourse; guilt for not wanting to, and the strain it must have placed on relationships would not have been easy to bear. It could have felt like there wasn’t enough love to go round so sibling rivalry would escalate and cause further havoc. On the other hand, the older children often became loving surrogate parents to the little ones.
It is no surprise that youngsters, especially girl children, were not celebrated just for being, they were not even celebrated when they did something well. Praise was with-held solidly because
being vain or ‘up oneself’ was a sin so gross that only sex before marriage could top it. If one’s parents thought one was adorable, cute, the best thing in the world, they kept it a closely guarded secret so you would never know, rejoice in it and so give way to sin or become an unpleasant disobliging person.
The effect of this on the child was, of course to believe themselves to be of no account. We all know that our primitive brain has a bias towards the negative which means we all have times of doubt about ourselves. However, if this is balanced by a good amount of appreciation and consideration for our feelings, we hold ourselves to be safe from the inside out. If there is no message of appreciation then the child has no option but to accept that they are of no value, they know they do not matter so they have to adopt behaviours to compensate. For girls that often meant being helpful, kind, self-effacing etc. You know, if I am good enough, they will like me.
The new generation choose the complete reversal to this model. Their children are loved, appreciated, applauded and hugged. Add to the mix the development of good boundaries and you are set fair to turn out well-rounded, balanced amiable human beings who make a real contribution to life, and enjoy doing so. A further reversal of the old model that brings about immeasurable benefits is that in choosing to be parents both partners choose to participate in the care and nurture of the children.
It used to be the norm that after begetting the only involvement expected of the father was the provision of material needs and to be the final dire authority in matters of serious discipline, “You just wait till your father gets home.” Now the mutual care and responsibility is beautiful to see. I never tire of commenting on the joy of seeing dads wheeling their babies in prams in the park, with or without their partners. (A further benefit I’ve observed from this masculine involvement is the vast improvement in the design of prams and strollers from the cumbersome and unwieldly vehicles we had to manage!)
When one looks at the present generation, their ease with issues earlier generations found impossible to resolve, their intelligent approach to raising children and the mutual respect that has become common among people of different gender it is impossible not to feel encouraged and enthusiastic about the future; to believe in the positive progress of evolution and to sit lightly on the dire predictions the media and suchlike enjoy concocting for our attention.
Of course, there will be people who experience the dismal side of the younger generation who will say, “In her dreams!” It would be daft to pretend everything were all sweetness and light but it is equally erroneous and perhaps even more damaging not to acknowledge, appreciate, and loudly celebrate the good stuff. Our negative bias needs a break and the dreary voice of the media needs to be turned down for a while.